what am i forgetting?
what neurodiversity looks like inside the mind
Sometimes it feels like I am going crazy.
Other days it feels like my brain is broken.
Other days I have to conclude that other people are crazy.
And still other days I land somewhere between a-okay and exceptionally wonderful.
My executive function works differently than the other 95% of the population.
This means that it is not always obvious to me what tasks are the highest priority.
All tasks feel equally important at the same time.
So if I am trying to leave for a trip later today all of these coexist in one, uniform tier of importance:
- water the Christmas tree because you forgot yesterday
- pack for the trip because you didn’t factor in time last night to do it
- remember to buy Vitamin D because you just ran out
- put chapstick on because your lips are so dry!
- squeeze in writing this essay because you were too sad to do it yesterday
- try to review at least two lessons of your anatomy class because that’s what you actually put on your calendar for this morning
- don’t forget to eat something
- you also haven’t had any water yet today
You might read that list and immediately see things that are less important (buying vitamin D) than others (packing for the trip you are leaving on in a couple of hours), and while I’ve learned strategies for seeing what’s most important, it is not obvious to me without that extra effort and those learned strategies.
Because of this, I have forgotten important things all my life.
I have such vivid memories of showing up to class, only to have the teacher ask everyone to turn in their homework and I legitimately had no idea we’d had any. Like an elevator severed from its suspension cable, my stomach would plummet with shame and embarrassment, and self-denigration.
How do you tell a teacher you didn’t know there was homework when everyone else in the class clearly did?!
It sounds so implausible. It sound like BS. At that time I didn’t realize that I could miss that kind of information simply from being focused on something else - like reading something on a worksheet or needing to use the bathroom, or maybe my attention had already transitioned to worrying about the quiz in my next class.
I have learned many coping strategies to be an independent, high-functioning adult but I walk through the world every day assuming and expecting that I am forgetting something - possibly trivial, possibly super important (like paying taxes).
If you’re neurotypical, can you try to imagine what it would feel like to walk around feeling like you’ve forgotten something but you can’t quite remember what it is. All day. Every Day.
That little niggling feeling in the background, low-grade pulling at your attention while you grocery shop, while you do meetings, while you walk the dog, while you read a book before bed…
For all you know it could be something that could negatively affect your credit score or reflect badly on you to your boss or really dramatically let down your partner… and after all that subtle, background worrying it ends up being true OR the only thing you forgot to do was drink water all day.
Crazymaking.
Maybe it sounds exhausting too. It can be!
This is just one of the many ways that my neurodivergence colors my experience. Invisible to others but ubiquitous to me.
Historically it’s led me to a sense of resignation that my brain will always feel just a little bit broken.
More recently am I becoming aware of the option to accept - maybe even embrace - a certain amount of confusion and non-resolution.
How can I hold this liminal experience with grace and curiosity rather than deflating into defeat?
How might this ability to welcome uncertainty benefit me beyond the intimacy and love I give myself?
More will be revealed.
***
I do not want to be coddled or have people lower their standards for what they expect from me in our relationships.
I want compassion. I want others to become aware of the invisible work people with spicy brains do every day to try and show up the way we’ve promised to and the way we need to in order to succeed in the world.
This is not an excuse for falling short of our agreements.
As people with neurodivergent brains, the agreements we make, the health of our relationships, and the expectations we establish with others are still our responsibility.
We don’t have to agree to things we don’t think we can deliver on. We can adjust people’s expectations for what they can rely on us for. And we still need to take responsibility for the way our neurodivergence might impact our capacity to relate.
We may need to come up with more creative solutions that work for our brains, or develop a larger, more diverse support network (professional and personal) because doing it on our own is challenging or, be really intentional about not making commitments we can’t uphold.
Having a brain that works differently isn’t a healthy excuse to put undue burdens on others or let ourselves off the hook for showing up powerfully.
(Sometimes I think neurodivergence can be used by people as strategic incompetence or weaponized helplessness?? Maybe this is internalized ableism, who knows!)
Extra Magic:
Some of the other ways that my brain works differently…
- I process the world by organizing it into patterns and systems. My brain is continually scanning for these patterns to help me categorize and make sense of my experiences.
- I experience human behavior like software programs. As though each person is a computer and their actions and beliefs are the functions of software code they’ve picked up and programmed into their being throughout their lifetime. Some intentionally. Most unintentionally. It helps me make sense of “irrational” behavior and helps me have compassion for behavior that I find confusing because I can see it as a line of code that is driving them to act in certain ways.
- I experience communication more literally than most people. In personal interactions, when people make definitive statements that are presented as facts, I think they are sharing a fact. It doesn’t occur to me that they might be exaggerating, or simply repeating something they heard. People who communicate this way can end up feeling super unsafe or confusing to me because I slowly feel like I don’t know when what they are saying is real or not real, information vs thoughts. (Other neurodivergent folks super feel me on this one, haha!)
- Things that are easy and straightforward for others are hard and exhausting for me. Laundry is one of the hardest chores for me to do because it doesn’t feel like it has a designated start and end time (meanwhile vacuuming you start on one side of the house and end on the other and it’s done!). I have to work hard to exert considerable energy all day to try to remember that laundry is happening. I usually can’t do other executive-function tasks at the same time because it is very hard to split my focus like that. At 34yo, I’m finally learning to set alarms for EVERYTHING!
Invitations and Promotions:
December is the month of pay-what-you-can coaching. You can get 1:1 sessions at a rate that works for your budget. I am not going to ask about your financial situation or ask you any questions. This is just about providing folks with exceptional coaching at rates that work for them.
This is a great option for people who:
- are looking for clarity and ideas for new ways to move forward with one thing they’d like to make progress on (a conversation you want to have with a partner, clarity on something you’re feeling indecision about, getting unstuck, prioritizing what comes next when you have too many good ideas, etc)
- alumni clients who know how epic coaching can be and want to snag a private session (or three!) for a steal :)
- have never tried coaching before and want to see what it’s all about
If you want to snag a pay-what-you-can session, DM me on Instagram or email me to get on my calendar.
Here is the regular link to schedule a session so that you can see what times are currently available. There are only a couple each week, so grab them while they are still available!
Little List of Noticing:
Here is a cool map I found that talks all about the Coast Salish place names of the San Juan Islands! (Did I share this already?)
This year for gifts I am really going to try and do the “low waste” approach. This means giving away plants I’ve propagated, regifting things that are in excellent condition but who would be happier in someone else’s home (books, jewelry, art, etc), thrifting presents, upcycling wrapping materials, and making things. It feels a little daunting but I want to make the shift!
OR if I do buy gifts, I am going to exclusively buy things from makers, artists, and small businesses. It makes gifts much more unique and it quite literally puts food on people’s tables while economically voting for the viability of art and slow production! Here are two makers I can get behind: hand-beaded jewelry (although they are back ordered through March so maybe not the best for this holiday season), art and books, super-cool-queer clothing, stationary and seeds, and handmade skin care.
Grief is oceanic in that it revisits you unexpectedly and you never know if the wave will bill tidal or itty bitty. This morning I was brushing my teeth and I found myself listening for Arlo to try to gauge where he was in the house. And then of course I remembered he’s gone and little tears well in my eyes and I let myself miss him again.
I relate SO much to all of this 🥲