the truth about burnout
People are often an example or a cautionary tale. I'm the latter.
This artist captured the sense of self-dilution I experienced burning out that can’t be summed up in words.
Unlike going out in flames of glory as the word burnout implies it was a much subtler, slipperier experience.
I looked into the mirror one morning and I’d disintegrated but try as I might, I wasn’t quite sure when it had happened or how it had come so far.
treading water… lost at sea… sand running through my fingers…
For well over 18 months I would go to bed at night and wake up to discover that my internal battery hadn’t recharged more than 15% and I couldn’t hold the little charge I had left.
I had run up an energetic deficit that I couldn’t see the ceiling of, which made trying to tackle how to recover feel just as impossible as trying to forge my way forward.
The Toll:
My business and career path as I knew it.
My sense of identity and who I thought I was.
My self-esteem.
My physical and mental health.
The Payoff:
Moving back to my ancestral home.
A simpler, more nourishing life.
A fiercer dedication to protecting and taking care of myself.
A more honest perspective on the value of time and work in the grand scheme of things.
A new, budding lease on life.
The Advice:
If you’re living your fully-scheduled life and you’re constantly hearing a voice that says “It’ll get better when…” or “I’ll rest when…” or “It’ll get easier when…” or “If I could just catch a break…”
DON’T BELIEVE IT.
It’s lying to you.
The deeper, truer message below the frantic hope that someday it will magically get better is this:
This isn’t working.
This isn’t sustainable.
Pause.
Slow down.
Stop trying to lay the tracks as the train barrels forward at 100 miles an hour.
Be on screens less and be with people you love more.
Consider working less and prioritizing pleasure more.
Can you focus less on tomorrow and more on whatever is here and precious today?
Stop trying to be so tough. (it isn’t the flex they told us it was)
Stop trying to prove to yourself or anyone else that you can do it all by yourself.
Be less alone and choose more interconnectedness.
Help a buddy out. Let someone help you out. Make someone a gift. Volunteer to rake leaves in your neighbor’s lawn simply to do something generous and be outside.
I found my way back from burnout not out of choice, but because I had to.
I remember thinking that if I kept going the way I was going - kept overriding the signals of resistance in my body, kept working harder to try to catch a break, kept believing that the good life I was looking for would happen some other day - that I was going to kill myself.
Scary.
Finding my way back one fistful of dirt at a time has taken over two years and while I think I may be coming out the other side, I’ll still be gently cleaning the residue of this trauma from my bones for months to come. I’m sure of it.
(To give you an idea, I just spent three weeks traveling and sleeping 8-11 hours every night. That’s how tired I still am two years later.)
Can you afford to lose two years of your life to mucky, confusing, grief-stricken recovery?
Me either.
Yes, take steps forward each day in the direction of your desires.
But be in the step.
This one.
And let it be everything.
Extra Magic:
I spoke to a friend today who is going through a professional crucible resonant to my own. He’s struggling to figure out what the “right job” is. Boomers tell him he’s too smart to be a laborer and should “move into management”. Other folks tell him he should go back to making his art his full-time gig because he’s always loved it. He looks at making a major career change at this point and feels completely daunted by the energetic and financial investment it would take.
Listening to him, having just spent the last 24 months wandering those hairy woods, I was sorry I couldn’t give him the clarity he craves. I too wanted to come around a bend to find a neon sign with an arrow saying “THIS WAY! THIS IS FOR SURE THE RIGHT WAY! IT WILL WORK OUT!” but Life - wily lover that she is - doesn’t really lead like that.
What I do know is that antiquated ideas about physical labor being beneath anyone are harmful and untrue. If it’s fulfilling - if it makes your time on Earth feel well spent - it’s more valuable than any white color job that isn’t.
He says he doesn’t feel like he is making the world a better place but I think the pressure to “help at scale” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. A job isn’t less valuable because it helps fewer people. Yes, a teacher helps dozens of kids a year which is awesome but helping a queer couple build a home they love and feel safe in is worthy too. Brené Brown’s impact is remarkable but so is the teacher who taught me mending last month because it shifted the way I am thinking about consumption, my relationships to things in my life, and how mending isn’t just a means of repair but also a rich way to approach all my relationships animate and inanimate.
The old evaluation of what made work worthwhile to past generations does not hold up under the microscope of today. And I, more than anyone, can attest to the fact that a great career on paper will not solve all your problems.
Only fierce service to life intelligence - our soul’s intelligence! - can do that.
If you spend your days doing something that heals and encourages, or brings more beauty alive, or makes the world a better place for even just one person at a time, we need it. Our souls require small-scale liberation just as much as they are desperate for large-scale liberation. And the smaller frontiers are what we have at our fingertips right now.
Choose small change and small impact. It ends up being a more effective path to progress anyway. But don’t choose it because of efficacy. Choose it because of all the beautiful stuff I said before that.
Invitations / Promotions / Asks:
Through the end of the year, I am offering pay-what-you-can coaching sessions. No shame, no questions asked, just grab some time and get some supportive thought partnership on the areas of life that are most important to you.
Here is the regular scheduling link to book a love, relationship, or business coaching session.
If you want to take advantage of the pay-what-you-can opportunity, please message me directly via Instagram @theoramoench or through email.
I miss coaching and would truly LOVE to support you. There is limited time on my calendar as I am back in school, so if you’re interested I’d recommend signing up sooner rather than later in case spots fill up fast.
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If you haven’t yet, pleeeeease share this babealicious, growing, sweet lil’ newsletter/essay with someone you love. Each week another subscription or two trickles in and I have to say those are some of my most treasured email notifications.
THANK YOU!!
Post Note:
Thanks for rolling with me sending this a day late. I told y’all I was going to be imperfect, and I surely have been. Each time I “mess up” and choose to be okay with another binding chord of perfectionism snaps and my heart beats a little broader and a little freer.
I’m definitely going to change the name of this newsletter. (At least once but knowing me, maybe more). It wasn’t inspired but I wanted to get her into the world. I wanted to practice “imperfect progress is good progress”. This is your heads-up!
I was today years old when I found out that wily the adjective is not spelled like Wiley the Coyote, and I have to say I’m just a little bit disappointed.
You were put on this planet to live and to love. Not to work. And don’t you forget it.
This week’s song for your perfect, little ears!