the blues
The artist also known as melancholy, sorrow, depression...
I am going through a chapter of being afraid of so much.
Afraid of the people in power being so addicted to money and power.
Afraid of environmental collapse.
Afraid of feeling powerless to influence my personal journey, let alone our collective one.
Afraid of making the wrong choice and making myself sick again.
Afraid of how heavy relationships feel right now and the light they shone on how empty my reserves are.
I know this is amplified by the grief of saying goodbye to my sweet, sweet boi…
(It’s wild how unfettered the grief of losing a bonded animal is.)
And being on my bleed, which seems to always make my feelings deeper and bluer.
And feeling almost paralyzed by the uncertainty of not knowing which path to take forward at the crossroads I am standing at professionally.
My body and heart are weary.
The good news is that I know I will get through it.
I have been here before and I have found my way through.
In the finding, I also seem to grow myself into a new version of me that I love and admire even more.
Today it felt valuable to share that this is what experiencing a mental health challenge can look like.
Maybe feeling trapped, unsure, and afraid is something you visit from time to time too.
Neither of us is alone.
We are not trapped.
We are not truly lost.
We are not unworthy of a better story moving forward.
No matter how it may look in our chapter of challenge, we are not defeated.
I have cycled through depressive episodes since I was a teenager.
Some were much scarier than this one because I didn’t have names for what I was experiencing and I didn’t have the lived experience of getting through to the other side in one piece.
What’s astonishing is how much the mind lies to me during these sojourns into blueness.
It tells me I am no longer a good partner, friend, or daughter.
It tells me that I will be stuck here forever.
It tells me that the kind things people say to me aren’t really true.
It tells me I am indulgent for resting or entertaining the sense of being lost.
It tells me I am lazy for not doing more.
It tells me that I am broken and that’s why I keep ending up here.
It tells me that I am spoiled for feeling this way when so many others have it so much worse than I do.
(I actually think freaking out is a pretty healthy response to the deluge of information and exposure we have access to in our pockets.)
What it leaves out is where I find a gentle, rebellious perch where I manage to connect once again with my power and the emboldening hint of freedom.
It leaves out how many people genuinely want to love me and show up for me and how much more trusted and loved they feel when I do.
It leaves out how endlessly and beautifully I loved that silly dog.
It leaves out how many people I have positively impacted personally and professionally with my ideas, questions, and friendship.
It leaves out how transcendent my love of beauty and absurdity is.
It leaves out how I can still love fiercely and find laughter when life feels the darkest.
I have found this remembering through sharing with you, making art, crafting things with my hands, showing up to conversations with friends despite wanting to hide, and daring to love and let myself be loved even when I feel the least loveable.
This moment is finite.
Today is a step along the path.
Tomorrow always comes arm and arm with something new.
We will be okay.
Extra Magic:
I laid Arlo to rest on Friday. My heart and body are exhausted. I am visited by big waves of grief and tears whenever I slow down enough to notice he isn’t here anymore and never will be. My heart is broken and I am so grateful and shocked at how much a dog’s - or pet’s - love adds to the quality and meaning of our lives.
Sometimes I miss him so freaking much that the tightness in my throat makes it hard to breathe.
We sat around him in my living room, petting him and whispering ‘i love you’ into his unhearing ears. I kissed his cheeks a million times and told him how sweet and wonderful he was. He passed on almost immediately and I am taking it as a sign that his body and mind were tired and ready to stop working so hard.
My partner and I drove him up to San Juan Island to our family land and buried him under the plum trees by the pond that were planted in memory of my mom twenty-two years ago.
It was a special, heartbreaking morning.
Goodbye, dear friend. I will miss and love you forever.
Invitations:
I have a few special invitations I want to share.
#1 ~ The first is a free financial literacy summit that my friend Hannah Koenig is hosting right now.
It is called Leadwell and she has brought together incredible finance educators to make building wealth more accessible - especially for people whom the “finance world” has left behind or left out.
Click here to visit the Lead Well Summit website and sign up! I’ll be attending alongside you!
I talked with her about the summit and her mission help people access tangible wealth strategies for women and minorities on a recent podcast episode about demystifying money.
This interview was a “part two” that followed a conversation we had about our disenchantment with the coaching industry and our journeys to find our way back to ethical, just, caring ground in an industry that was all but hijacked by predatory, multi-level marketing sales bros posing as business coaches. You can listen to that conversation here!
#2 ~ My second invitation is that I am reopening my private coaching for couples again.
For people who want one-on-one support, I have opened up space for 4 couples to do private coaching with me. If you and your partner want support creating connective communication practices, deeper intimacy, and unlocking access to more fun and being in your unique brand of delight and magic, then grab a call to discuss whether or not working together is right for you!
This is intimate, unconventional, and effective support to help you and your partner create absolute magic together. Whether you want to jumpstart your connection, are navigating a challenging transition, or just want to see what you two are capable of together, this experience WILL transform your relationship in incredible ways!
Click here to book 30 minutes on my calendar to explore if coaching together is right for you and your relationship.
#3 ~ I will be re-launching The Relationship Playground* in the next couple of months.
(This isn’t exactly an invitation yet, but I’m putting it on your radar!)
I believe that community is one of the biggest determinants of a relationship’s success and yet so many people do not have the kind of social support they need in order to show up creativity, generously, and playfully to their relationships.
Which is why I created the playground. I wanted people to have access to an affordable, safe, educational space where they could learn the things needed for healthy, functional, uplifting relationships to thrive that they were never taught and be able to connect with other folks who are just as dedicated to learning and growing as they are.
If that’s you, stay tuned because I am very excited about everything I’ve been creating for the re-launch!
*Formerly The Relationship Dojo.
Little Listy List:
I finally picked up a sweater I started knitting a year ago and making something with my hands has been medicinal in nature. Have you made anything with your hands lately?
I am ready for the rain! Where are you sweet cleansing sky tears? The land is ready for your return. And so am I!
Last night, in the throws of grief and tears, my partner asked me what were three things I liked about myself. I had the hardest time connecting to liking myself. I finally said my collarbone, my eyes, and my hair. He gently laughed and said, “Now what are three non-physical things you like about yourself.” When I pouted, he was unrelenting and said with a smile, “You did this to yourself.” I slowly listed off: “My creativity… My awareness of others… My curiosity…”. Then he wrapped me up in his arms and ended up breathing on my face, which I kinda hate but hated just a little bit less in that moment, and we tucked in for sleep. Get yourself someone who is gentle on you when you are hard on you. There is so much healing in it.
I hear you. I see you. I love you. I believe in you.