tell me of your self-delight
on living with a master of self-delight, and why proximity matters
I’m going through a phase of particular fondness for my housemate.
When we first moved in together, I was closing out a six-month chapter of nomadism that had taken me to Tulum, Portland, and the Olympic Peninsula.
My next stop was one of the Puget Sound islands where I was going to house-sit for family friends for three months. The day before I was supposed to move-in, I got a call that they were no longer headed to Hawaii because some medical tests had come back and they needed to stay local to keep an eye on things.
Just like that, my housing situation had evaporated into thin air.
I had previously connected with my (now) housemate about potentially moving in after my housesitting stint… so I decided to reach out to see if there might be an option to move in sooner… like that week.
As virtual strangers we had the first of what would become hundreds of vulnerable, forthright, meaningful conversations.
I want you to make sure this works for you, I said.
I want you to have a place to live and be able to settle, she replied.
Neither of us really wants to live with roommates anymore, we shared.
It might be a trainwreck, we acknowledged.
We went for it. Eyes wide open. Both knowing that roommate dynamics can be hard. Awful even.
I was feeling the most nourished I had in over a year but was still in an uncertain phase colored by search and longing for home and purpose.
She was tackling big life decisions of her own.
In the beginning, there was curiosity and playfulness intermingled with the self-conscious dance of learning each other’s needs and preferences, and figuring out how to share our own.
We were both a bit shocked at each other’s bigness. We are gregarious, odd, expressive people in our own right and to have someone whose bigness mirrored ours was new for both.
We’d both had impactful living experiences and relationships where our bigness didn’t work for others. Where we’d been asked to take up less space and “be more respectful of others”. The message beneath it all was that our authentic self-expression was uncomfortable for the people closest to us.
But not with one another.
In moments of forgetfulness or abandon, we’d let a bubble of our silliness through and look at the other gauging. Ready for who we were to be too much for the other.
Instead, we were met with reassurance, acceptance, and easy smiles of enjoyment.
Over the last year, I have watched us each blossom into more of our weirdness and vibrancy.
Something I love about her in particular, is how much she delights in herself.
It is an almost daily occurrence that I will hear giggles skipping through our home.
What are you laughing at? I’ll yell.
Oh, nothing. Just myself! she’ll holler back
Sometimes I’ll catch her looking in the mirror with the most flirtatious, self-adoring grin on her face as she relaxes into the abject joy of how much she likes the outfit she put together - sometimes fashionable, sometimes wholesome, always distinctly her.
Other times she’ll be on the couch, texting someone something irreverent and she’ll dissolve into peels of laughter.
She just “yelled” at me for the first time and I’ve got to say even while her eyes sparked with frustration, she was already laughing at how absurdly loud I was being, banging around the house like a Tasmanian devil (I didn’t realize she was home). Even her scoldings are un-barbed, peppered with humor, and delivered with a readiness to understand.
She inspires me to delight more in my own oddness and particularities. The way she be’s invites me to examine myself with an air of tender comedy, and I find more humor in my own foibles every day.
Let us not reduce her to a caricature of herself though. She is not always happy and glowing with delight. Sometimes she is anxious, grumpy, afraid, lonely… She is exquisitely human — learning, advocating, celebrating, doubting…
And yet, this is a woman who is getting away with as much fun as she can possibly have…
Whether this is innate to her spirit or something she cultivated intentionally, her tendency to find frequent moments of joy in herself and the mundane world around her, has made her an invaluable influence in my life.
One of the godfather’s of personal development, Jim Rohn, is famous for saying “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Others have phrased this as proximity is power and the mindset that who you spend time with is who you become.
I have experienced this phenomenon acutely to my own detriment. And I have also experienced it to my immense growth and joy.
Who you interact with the most impacts you subtly and profoundly. Including who you are with and to yourself.
Whether this is a gentle reminder or a bittersweet call to arms, I fervently want you to pay attention to who you are spending your time around.
Do they effortlessly encourage you to be more of yourself?
Do you leave their company feeling more alive?
Do you feel safer in your body? More at peace in your mind?
Do you trust that they will hold you accountable to who you want to be and challenge you to be the version of yourself that you strive for?
Do they make you laugh often and without self-critique? Call you forward? Show kindness when you face your demons and sorrows?
If not, it’s time to shift your gaze and emotional availability to make space for such personalities in your world.
If so, make sure you are contributing to their world in ways that are truly meaningful and nourishing for them as well.
Extra Magic:
This NYT column gathered some of the best advice readers submitted in 2022.
My favorites:
The best way to make a decision: Does it light me up? — Robyn Pichler, Weaverville, N.C.
Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you have to do it, or that it’s good for you. — Divya Rao Heffley, Pittsburgh
When the wrench is on the nut, tighten it. In other words, if you’re already touching a piece of mail, deal with it. If you see a thing you’ll need soon, buy it now. If an uncomfortable conversation comes up, have it rather than deflecting it. — Kasia Maroney, Trumansburg, N.Y.
I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100 percent, and that’s pretty good. — Hudson, San Diego
Promotions and Invitations:
Making Friends (as an Adult) - The Workshop!
On January 18th, I am hosting a one-time workshop on making friends and building community as an adult.
Everyone craves friendship and a sense of belonging. Even the most extroverted and seemingly confident of us! This is for anyone who wants to deepen or cultivate new, wonderful, friendships!
What we’ll cover:
the importance of belonging and how to cultivate it
how to embody your whole-dang self so that enriching friendships are attracted to you
discernment and determining which people are the right fit for you
how to build trust with others (and yourself)
how to make sense of friendship loss or difficulties
and real-world strategies that foster new connections in meaningful ways
Click here to learn more and sign up!
Individual Coaching Sessions:
For the foreseeable future, I will be offering no more than 4 coaching sessions a week. Here is a link to learn more and book one. If you have been looking for a thought partner to help you create strategies to overcome obstacles, find clarity, and create new results, you can book a life coaching, relationship coaching, or business coaching session using the link above.
Tiny Gifts:
From the NYT article mentioned above, I discovered my favorite New Year’s Eve resolution so for: to rise from bed every morning, waggle your fingers and say, ‘It’s showtime!’” (I did it today as I came out of savasana at the end of my yoga class!)
This week’s song. For best results, listen to it loudly, first thing in the morning!
My partner just introduced me to Glennon Doyle’s podcast, we can do hard things. This episode explores rupture in all kinds of relationships, including familial ones. I found tears running down my face as I witnessed my own story in the journeys of others, and unearthed new compassion for people on every side of estrangement.
Until (probably) next week ~ Theora
I’ll be aiming to publish on Thursdays moving forward!
And if you haven’t yet, please share this publication with one person you’re fond of (or more)! This community/audience is growing slowly but steadily and it tickles my little heart to know that this path is leading us somewhere together.