a letter to my children about love
questions we could all be asking ourselves
I sipped my coffee in the nook of our porch where I’ve set up a little oasis to soak up the morning sun.
Today I was hoping to observe the path of our star’s footprint to see if my little container gardens were getting too much or too little light. As I journaled for the first time in months, a Hummingbird came to visit my hanging Fuschia and swooped down to look me in the eyes chirping curiously. I imagined that she was chastising me for not putting out the hanging nectary I had kept full so diligently last year.
In my head I was thinking of questions I wanted my children to ask themselves when considering a romantic prospect for partnership and a macabre instinct rolled over me. I’ll write this in my journal now in case I die and I don’t get a chance to be this mirror for them when they are older.
If you’ve been a reader for a while, you know I often dance with these notions of mortality.
So, Dear One, you’ve found someone special and you think they might be someone you could build something beautiful and unique with. These are the questions I hope I will be around to get to ask you. That you will roll your eyes at in your teens, and reflect on later as wisdom in your twenties and thirties.
Are they kind to you? Are they kind to people who hold less power than they do? Are they kind when no one else is watching and there is no social reward to be earned?
Are they curious and interested in learning? About you and what you need, others, the world, and themselves.
Do they have healthy, dynamic, longterm friendships in their life? I’ve found that this can give you insight into their ability to sustain relationships as they grow over time. It can be a strong barometer of their ability to care for and receive support from others. You will both need good people in your corners to help you navigate the challenges of life and partnership. If they have not been able to build lasting relationships, take note. It may reflect that they have not figured out how to care for both themself and others in meaningful ways and if this is the case, it will put a lot of pressure on your relationship to be everything. A community and support network of two is way too small to do life well.
Do you make each other laugh often? One of my favorite things about your dad is that we laugh so much, sometimes even when we are arguing I can catch him off guard with an unexpected playfulness and get him chuckling. Startling him with humor so that he cascades into that big laugh of his is one of my absolute favorite things about being alive.
Do you feel like they encourage you to freely express and explore MORE of who you are? Is you alight in your youness something that brings them delight? Or do you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself away to earn their acceptance, affection, and presence? If they want you to act and be smaller so that they can feel more comfortable, then they are categorically not the right love for you. The sooner you let the wrong love go, the sooner the right one has space to arrive.
Do you feel safe? Safe to be a mess, to be tired, to be annoying, to be sick, to have needs, to make mistakes, to get angry, to cry, to fall short, to be over-the-top? Are they generous with their reassurance when you need gentleness and do they exercise the courage to push you to become the version of yourself that you say you want to become?
Are you proud of who they currently are and do you admire who they are becoming?
Do you admire what their values are and do they return to those values to guide their actions in the hard, uncertain, and uncomfortable moments? If they don’t then those aren’t their values, those are just ideas they’d like people to associate with them. You can tell someone’s values by what actions they choose to take. Pick someone who has the strength of character to do what they believe is just when the moment to stand up for what they believe in arrives. Especially in the smaller moments, if they won’t do it when the stakes are low, what makes you think they’ll do it when the stakes are much higher? This will play out in many small, unwitnessed moments and ways in your partnership. Choose someone who chooses courage over comfort.
When you disagree with one another - which you will because you’re my child and I can’t imagine you won’t have strong opinions in your own right - do you each learn from the experience to become better partners to one another and better humans in the world?
Do your dearest friends like them for you? Do they get along with each other in their own right? If you choose this person to be central in your life for the longterm, you don’t want to feel like you have to bridge divides between them and the other primary relationships you have. If you’ve cultivated a community around you that nourishes and uplifts you, then the right person for you will add to that sense of belonging. They will most likely want to be part of your circle of friends because your friends are reflections of the parts of yourself that you love. Intentionally or not, you’ve chosen these kindreds spirits to be your closest relationships because of how they love and celebrate you. If someone is right for you, you won’t feel like you have to choose sides. Plus, if you’ve successfully surrounded yourself with friendships you trust, than your friends probably have a better lens on who isn’t right for you. My friends have only ever wanted the most beautiful love and partnership for me, and I wish I’d trusted their judgment more often. It would have saved me a lot of unnecessary, scarring heartbreak.
Do you feel like they have your back? Life will present you with many many challenges and having a partner who is on your team no matter what can make all the difference in feeling capable of taking on those challenges versus feeling like you will be crushed by them. You deserve a partner who has your back. No matter what. Someone who will be your ally in conflicts with your family and theirs. Even when you don’t agree with one another, do you still believe they’ve got you?
Are they relationally generous? Every single person has baggage. We all accumulate trauma and hurts throughout life that will need healing within a relational context. Don’t choose someone who is uninterested in helping you heal or thinks that sorting through that stuff is something you should be dong on your own. This person will never make you feel fully chosen and safe. Choose the person who takes a seat on the bed next to your proverbial suitcases of heartache, and gently picks the contents up asking “how did this one come to be?” and “how can I love you to help heal this hurt?” I dated too many people who liked my magic and wit but pulled away when I revealed the inconvenient, soft, vulnerable, needy parts of me. Trust me kiddo, the life you would live with that person is a pale shadow of the world you will get to experience with the person who is ready and willing to love you, mess and all.
Do you trust them to be kind and respectful especially when you don’t particularly like each other? You will get annoyed with each other, be impatient at times, and sometimes you will get so stinking mad you want to toss them overboard. All of these things are normal and inevitable. BUT give yourself the gift of a partner who does not choose cruelty or abandonment in these moments. Do not saddle yourself with the heartbreak of someone who withdraws their love and respect when you are at odds. Choose someone who can feel and identify their anger, frustration, and shame but who does not take it out on you or others. Remember that taking space to cool down and work through stuff on one’s own with the intention to come back and work through it is not the same thing as hanging you out to dry. Your body will know the difference. Trust it’s intelligence.
Don’t look for perfection. You wouldn’t trust it even if you found it. Look for resilience, relational generosity, peaceful independence, humility, kindness, empathy, good humor, generous communication, emotional intelligence of self and others, and a self-driven dedication to growth.
And DO NOT let the world convince you that this kind of love and partnership is too much to ask for because it’s not. You can’t and won’t be fulfilled choosing less so there is no point in wasting your precious time.
Lastly but most importantly, give yourself the gift of becoming your version of this person and partner. It will teach you to know who you are, what you’re made of, and to trust firmly in yourself. When you live and practice this kind of relating, it will become very clear to you when others can bring the same maturity and dynamism. And when they cannot.
Whoever you choose must be additive. They must add to your joy, your energy, your growth, your PEACE. They must add to your community, your strength to pursue bigger goals, and to the beauty and adventure in your life. Your chosen person - or people - cannot be the thing drawing on or consuming most of your energy. The right companion(s) for you will add to your world, not pull from it.
Partnership can be hard but it should not be hard more than 5-10% of the time. The rest of the time it should be rewarding, fun, generative, and steadying. This is not lofty, this is just practical. You can’t afford to expend your energy on a relationship that is hard too often, life has so many other journeys and mountain tops it will put on your path and your chosen relationship doesn’t have to be one of them.
My hope is that your father and I will have many many years to model this kind of love and relationship to you. I want to raise you in a home and relational ecosystem that is rife with kindness, forgiveness, laughter, silliness, relentless support, unwavering respect, and an evolving, learning love.
Our partnership and love will be imperfect in so many moments but I promise we will do our best to show you how rewarding life and love can be when you consistently return to living from your chosen values. The best news of all is that it becomes easier and easier with practice over time.
You got this kid. And I will be loving you every step of the way. No matter where and when I am.
Little, extra things:
Happy Midsummer’s Night! Today is Litha and the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. It is said that tonight at twilight is when fae folk cross from their land to ours to bestow blessings on human kind. Today is a good day to make a bouquet, eat fruit from the garden, steal spoonfuls of honey at will, and letting yourself prioritize pleasure and delight. So often we focus on what is broken, needs fixing, and needs improvement. For today, put it down (you can pick it back up again tomorrow). Today, give yourself permission to focus on what is going well in your life and in the world, and give thanks. Spend the day actively looking for beauty, bounty, and kindness. Eat dessert. Light a fire or candle.
Tomorrow is a full moon! As the full moon closest to the Summer Solstice, it is known as the Honey Moon (one of it's many names). It is an ancient tradition to drink honey wine under this moon to call fertility, healing, and prosperity throughout the year to follow.
A sweet picture I found on a wall somewhere. Talk about friendship, retirement, and dog life goals:
May you fall in love with someone or something a little bit more today
Until next time,
